a parady by Orange Marmalade based on Genesis 37

Warning: The following story is not a warm, fuzzy tale that will cause you to glow with happiness and skip off to church next Sunday. If you want a fun, cheerful sort of story from the Bible, read Luke 1 and 2, in which a cute baby that changes the world is born. That story is full of angels and miracles, and all sorts of happy things; I believe there is also some enthusiastic singing.

In the account that follows, there is no singing, enthusiastic or otherwise. Instead you will find lying, cheating, stealing and even some jacket dipping. In this story, there is very little to warm your heart.

In fact, you may become so scared to have a dream that you will NEVER sleep peacefully again. You may stay up at night — all night, every night for the rest of your life — wondering if your brothers and sisters are plotting to sell you to the school janitor in return for a lunch box or a large ball of used gum.

A Bad Beginning

Joseph had 10 big brothers, a very fashionable jacket and a "dream job."

Now the term dream job usually means something along the lines of “a very satisfying career” or “employment that brings about a certain sense of personal fulfillment.” Examples of dream jobs would include movie star or prima ballerina or professional jacket dipper.

But Joseph’s job was nothing like those great occupations. Joseph’s dream job was, in fact, to dream.

His first job was to dream about cereal. He dreamed that he was a giant clump of wheat and his brothers were smaller clumps of wheat. In the dream, the smaller clumps of wheat bowed down to the giant clump.

Now Joseph could merely have been hungry and wanting to eat a large bowl of cereal; he could have asked a servant for a bowl of Wheaties. But because he had a dream job, he decided to tell his 10 big brothers about it.

“Huh, huh, huh,” they said. “That’s a stupid dream. We aren’t clumps of cereal. See, we have hair.” Each of the brothers tugged at his own hair. “Clumps of cereal don’t have hair. You’re a silly little brother, even if you do have a nice cashmere jacket.”

Joseph ignored them and dreamed again. This time he dreamed he was a giant star. Little stars bowed down to him. Then the sun and the moon bowed down to the giant star.

“What a stupid dream,” said his 10 brothers when Joseph told them. “You’re no star. You have hair.” Several of the brothers tugged on Joseph’s hair. Then they said, “Stars don’t have hair. Huh, huh, huh. We’re gonna tell Dad about your dumb dream, and we hope he takes away your jacket!”

Joseph’s father, Old Izzie, did not take away the fashionable, cashmere jacket. Instead he gave Joseph a lecture, straightened the collar on the cashmere jacket and said, “You dreamer, you.”

Old Izzie wondered if the dreams could be important, because he understood a little about dream jobs.

Now here is where our story gets very dark, and I encourage you to hide this magazine in a cistern or give it to the school janitor to put in the recycling bin. Stop reading this story while you can still imagine Joseph alive and perky in his fashionable, cashmere jacket. Stop reading this story while you can still hope to sleep well tonight.

A Treacherous Plot

The 10 big brothers were sore losers.

Now the word "sore" could mean “a tender spot on the body, particularly with infected or ruptured tissue,” but in this case, “sore” means “bad.”

They hated Joseph and his jacket. They had hoped their father would punish Joseph for his crazy dreams. When Old Izzie didn’t, they decided to take matters into their own hands. More to the point, they decided to take Joseph into their own hands.

One day while the 10 big brothers tended sheep miles and miles away from home, Judah, who was brother No. 4 said, “Look! Who’s that really small, vulnerable person walking all alone in the desolate wilderness?”

The brothers answered, “It’s Joseph. Huh, huh, huh. We can see the fashionable cut of his jacket. Before he gets here, let’s plot against him. No one will hear our treacherous plan, because we are all alone in the desolate wilderness.”

From the moment the 10 sore losers let evil swell in their hearts, they became The Treacherous Ten.

“Let’s tickle him till his face turns red,” said Dan, who was No. 5 of The Treacherous Ten.

“Let’s bonk him on the head until he sees stars,” said Gad, who was No. 7 of The Treacherous Ten.

The word “stars” reminded all the brothers about Joseph’s dreams, and they got even angrier.

“Let’s just kill him!” said Zeb, who was No. 10 of The Treacherous Ten.

“Wait!” said Reuben, who was not named after a deli sandwich with sauerkraut. His name meant “misery,” and he took his name very seriously. “Let’s put him in that empty cistern.”

“Yeah, let’s leave him all alone in the desolate wilderness,” Asher added, who was No. 8 of the Treacherous Ten. “He’ll die a slow, miserable, excruciating death.”

A Scary Cistern

The Treacherous Ten liked that idea, but first they decided to steal his jacket. They sprang upon him when he arrived at their camp.

“Hey, that’s mine. Dad gave it to me!” said Joseph, who was No. 11, but not part of The Treacherous Ten. (Otherwise it would have been The Treacherous Eleven and there would be no story.)

I don’t have the heart to describe how they tortured Joseph, how they dangled his poor, vulnerable, unfashionably dressed body above the cistern. How each brother tickled him until Joseph was crying and laughing at the same time. Or how they mocked his wheat clump and star dreams and called him “a silly dreamer.”

I don’t have the strength to describe how they mercilessly pitched him inside the cistern and left him all alone in the desolate wilderness to die a miserable death.

When Joseph sat at the bottom of the scary cistern, he listened until he could hear no more of his brothers’ “huh, huh, huhs,” and their footsteps faded away.

Joseph looked around. He pushed the hair back from his face and tried to think of an invention that would help him get out of a deep, dark, scary cistern. But all that surrounded him was sand.

Next he thought about all the books he had read. But none of them had been about the history of ancient Middle Eastern water receptacles.

Finally, he wondered if he could use his teeth to climb out of the cistern. But after taking a bite from the wall and chipping his front tooth, he decided that his orthodontist would be disappointed if he ruined his perfectly white, fashionably straight teeth. So he gave up.

And then suddenly, he heard a camel sneeze.

So you think someone came to help him? You are hoping that the people on the camels will be nice and sympathetic and say, “Oh, my, we're so sorry to hear your brothers are so treacherous! Let us help you!”

Or do you think that maybe one of his treacherous brothers, Reuben perchance, has come back to sneak him out. That would happen in many other stories, but not in this one. In this story, Reuben comes back, but Joseph is already gone. I am sad to tell you, Joseph does not get help. And his cashmere jacket gets treated even worse.

It is dipped in goat’s blood by some treacherous and amateur coat dippers, stomped on and taken back to Old Izzie. Old Izzie looks at the jacket and decides the Joseph is probably no longer fashionably dressed and has also probably been eaten by a large carnivorous animal that had most likely escaped from a carnival. This is the end of the fashionable jacket, but this is not the end of Joseph’s story. Things are about to get much, much worse.

To be continued next month . . .

	Q: How do bees telephone one another? A: They just give each other a buzz. Zephan S., 9, Kentucky Clubhouse Jr. Click here to subscribe