Average Answers (Part 19)

Average Boy's 100th Adventure appears in the October 2012 issue of Clubhouse magazine. Between 100 stories and Average Answers, our question is: How does he not get constant writer's cramp? Click here to read "Underrated Orange."

Ask Average Boy a question.

Question  Dear Average Boy,

Are you a fan of sharks?


Answer  Hey Ethan,

I love sharks! Actually, I love them if only one of us is in the water. If we’re both in the water at the same time I’m not really a fan. I smell too much like food.

I think I’m scared of sharks because one time I was swimming and I felt something brush past my leg. My dad didn’t think it was a shark but I know it was. I never went back to that swimming pool.

Anyway, just keep swimming, just keep swimming . . .

Your friend and mine,
Average Boy

Question  How come almost everything you do is funny? Never in my whole life have I met a boy funnier than me. Anyway, keep up the silliness!


P.S. You should become an actor for funny movies.

Answer  Hey Christine,

I'm the funniest boy you know? Maybe you need to meet more people. :)

I guess my life is funny because I do this strange thing that a lot of kids don't do anymore . . . I go outside. A lot of my friends like to sit and play video games all day. And nothing funny happens to someone that sits in front of the TV all day. (Unless you find couch potatoes hilarious.)

I prefer to be active and go on adventures. Sounds like you do, too!

Your friend and mine,
Average Boy

Question  Do you remember your first lie?


Answer  Hey M.,

This is going to sound crazy, but I broke something once. (I know that doesn’t sound like me, but it happened.) I thought Mom and Dad were going to be mad at me, so I tried to lie my way out of it. I don’t remember all of the details, but I think I blamed it on a runaway monster truck.

Dad looked me straight in the eye and asked what color the truck was. When I answered, “Orange-red-blue-green,” he sighed and left the room. I had totally gotten away with it!

But that night, I couldn’t sleep. I had broken my parents’ trust, which was way more valuable than that other thing I broke. I told God I was sorry for lying, then I explained to my parents what really happened. That made me feel a lot better. I still got in trouble, but I’ll never forget how Dad looked at me that night. His smile reached clear across Texas.

Your friend and mine,
Average Boy

Question  Hiya!

Have you ever tried to ride a unicycle? I have and I am good at it . . . now. :)

It is really easy once you get the hang of it. (But always wear safety pads and a helmet, otherwise you get kinda scraped up if you’re a beginner.)


Answer  Hey Vanya,

I have ridden a unicycle! And I was very good at it, too. Although, just like you, I took a lot of precautions. I wore safety pads, a helmet and I added two more wheels to the unicycle. I stayed up for almost an hour!

Your friend and mine,
Average Boy

Question  Where did you find a toothbrush big enough for your mouth?


Answer  Hey John,

I go to a store in the mall called Big + Tall. They sell extra-long pants and suit jackets for linebackers (I could fit my whole body in one of the sleeves).

Ever since my trip to the dentist, I’ve tried to take better care of my teeth. I brush almost every day and have even started flossing. I must be doing it wrong, though, because I keep tying my fingers together.

Your friend and mine,
Average Boy

Question  Dear Average Boy,

Do you like reading? My brother and I love it. Can it get addictive?


Answer  Hey Rose,

I couldn’t stop reading your question.

I love books! When you read, you get to imagine your own version of the story. (I usually give my favorite character a giant mustache.) Plus you can take a book outside without getting in trouble . . . unlike your TV.

If you just can’t stop reading, try this trick: Take a piece of paper, jam it into your book and slam the book shut. Mom calls it a “bookmark.”

Your friend and mine,
Average Boy

Question  Hi Average Boy!

Have you ever been to Spain? I am a missionary there. I just turned 11 yesterday. My aunt and uncle are coming to Spain and are bringing lots of presents from my family in America—and new homework (we are homeschooled).

Do you know some Spanish? I know pretty much all of the language. I live about an hour away from Barcelona and people here speak a language called Catalan.

Please answer in your next answers. That would be so cool.

Your big fan (though I do not get the magazines, just read my sister's old ones and the ones on the Internet),

Answer  Hey Naomi,

Happy belated birthday! I’ve never heard of Catalan. Does it involve a lot of purring? It would be so cool to tell Billy’s cat to do stuff without anyone else knowing what I was saying.

Also, I’m so proud of you for being an 11-year-old missionary! God wants all of us to be missionaries, no matter where we are. So keep up the great work!

I’ve never been to Spain but they did print my book in Spanish and I got fan mail from Spain! So find that person and see if they’ll let you borrow my book.

Your friend and mine,
Average Boy

Question  What are your favorite crafts? I like to sew.


Answer  Hey Hannah,

Sew what? Get it? Sew . . . so . . . OK, I’ll stop now.

When it comes to crafts, I like to do anything with my glue gun. Although, my glue gun doesn’t shoot glue out like I want it to. I think it’d be cool if I could glue stuff from across the room.

My favorite craft I’m working on is a town made out of Popsicle sticks . . . mainly because I get to eat the Popsicles first. In fact, most of my crafts involve candy or sweets. But I’m not sure how you would sew a Snickers bar.

Your friend and mine,
Average Boy

Question  What is the biggest injury you’ve ever suffered? I am always getting hurt.


Answer  Hey Jacob,

Me too. I’ve been to the emergency room so many times that Mom doesn’t have to fill out paperwork anymore. The nurse just stamps BOB on the form, and everybody knows what it means.

I think my biggest injury was the time I broke my collarbone. Billy and I tried to ride an upside-down coffee table down a grassy hill after it rained. Until they invent brakes for coffee table sleds, do not try this at home. We flew down the hill and smacked into Dad’s parked truck.

I had to wear a sling for five weeks. On the plus side, one of the doctors gave me a pineapple lollipop.

Your friend and mine,
Average Boy

Question  Dear AB,

I babysit two boys. How do you deal with boys who are constantly fighting, howling, complaining, burping or breaking valuable objects?

Worn-Out Clara

Answer  Hey Worn-Out Clara,

My mom normally puts us in our rooms for 30 minutes. That stops everything but the burping.

Your friend and mine,
Average Boy

Question  I was wondering what you do when your friends start using slang words at school. My friend started doing that.

Thanks. I’m a BIG fan!


Answer  Hey Anita,

Do you mean swear words? Because slang words don’t really bother me. For instance, I call my toothbrush a “gunk blaster.” (Evidently my teeth jump out of my mouth at night and swim in a pool of garbage . . . or maybe I’m just a messy eater.)

But I think you’re talking about words that dishonor God or hurt people’s feelings. One of my friends used to cuss a lot. I asked him if it was because he had a limited vocabulary. That made him think. So now he uses big, elaborate words to sound more “grandiloquent.” Any time we have a conversation, I have to check the dictionary at least five times.

Keep shining your light for Christ, Anita!

Your friend and mine,
Average Boy

Question  Hey Bob,

One time in church we were standing up to sing a song and I started to daydream. The pastor told everyone to sit, but I didn’t hear him. I just stood there . . . in the front row!

Has that ever happened to you?


Answer  Hey Kendra,

A better question would be: Has that ever not happened to me? I’ll hear a cool Bible verse and disappear into my own head. Dad jokes that he’s going to make me wear suspenders to church so he can tug me up and down at the right times.

Your friend and mine,
Average Boy

Thanks for all the great questions! Click here for more Average Answers.

Copyright © Bob Smiley. Illustration © Gary Locke.