Average Answers (Part 22)

AB apologizes for taking so long to finish this new batch of Average Answers. Backpack Cat kept pawing at his mouse while he was trying to type.

Ask Average Boy a question.

Question  I love beavers! Do you like beavers? I'm a big fan! You are cool!


Answer  Hey Aiden,

Thanks for writing! I do like beavers. We have similar teeth. Only I prefer cheeseburgers. (Instead of trees-burgers.) Semi-aquatic mammals are cool! God is so creative.

Phew. Short sentences are hard. Especially for jokes.

Your friend and mine,
Average Boy

Question  Hey AB!

Do you like having freckles?


Answer  Hey Christopher,

Hmmm, I don't know. I've never not had freckles, so there's nothing to compare it to. You might as well ask if I like having ears (which I do . . . except when my dad starts snoring).

Freckles can be cool. I once dressed up as a connect-the-dots puzzle for a costume party. And at bedtime, I can count freckles instead of sheep, which is way easier because freckles don't wander off mid-count.

Most of all, I like my freckles because they're part of who God made me. I may not have movie-star good looks (yet), but I am a one-of-a-kind design.

Your friend and mine,
Average Boy

Question  Have you ever been to the fair? I love it! What is your favorite food at the fair? Mine is either cotton candy or corn dogs.


Answer  Hey Eden,

At first I thought you asked if I’ve ever been fair. Last week, Dad bought me a can of soda and told me I had to share half of it with my little brother. I decided to drink the bottom half of the soda, but I had to get rid of the top half first. So I drank it too. Dad decided the only fair punishment was that my brother and I split our next million sodas 50/50 . . . but my brother gets his last two cans in advance.

Back to your question. I’ve been to A fair, but Billy tells me it’s not the same as THE fair. THE fair has fun rides and a rodeo and cool music and funnel cake. MY fair had two sheep and a chicken. The chicken wasn’t even part of the fair—it just got loose from Farmer Perry’s yard. My favorite part was when Mom made Dad buy us ice cream afterward.

Your friend and mine,
Average Boy

Question  Do you and your brother have to do chores?


Answer  Hey Kieley,

Shhh, don’t mention the “ch-“ word. Mom gets dangerously excited about spring cleaning. Last year, she made me dust every single object in the house—including the bathtub. My little brother is really into origami, so Mom asks him to fold the laundry. I've gotta say, he makes amazing swans out of T-shirts!

Dad helps out by washing the car . . . for about six hours. Then he orders pizza so we don’t have to re-clean the kitchen after dinner.

It’s a lot of work (not to mention a waste of a perfectly good Saturday), but I guess it’s fair that we all help out around the house. Besides, Mom does more cleaning than the rest of us put together, so I’ve got nothing to complain about.

Your friend and mine,
Average Boy

Question  Hey AB,

How does your family celebrate Easter?


Answer  Hey Max,

We have our own version of an Easter egg hunt. Mom buys lots of candy, and Dad tries to find it all (and eat it) before my brother and I wake up on Easter morning. We've started getting up so early, it's still Good Friday!

Also, I once starred in The Best Easter Play Ever. You might have heard about it on TV. (If your local news guys report on small-town Texas theater . . . the guys on my TV are too busy talking about basketball.)

However you celebrate Easter, it's important to keep Jesus as the focus. He died and rose again to save us from sin! That's better than any chocolate bunny.

Your friend and mine,
Average Boy

Question  What do you do when your little brother is driving you up the wall?


Answer  Hey Heidi,

Please tell me more about these go-karts that can drive up walls. Billy and I need them for . . . science reasons.

My little brother and I used to fight all the time. He was so excited to hang out with me (which makes sense—I'm a cool guy) that he didn't realize when he was getting on my nerves.

Mom came up with a solution: Whenever my brother got so annoying I couldn't take it anymore, I opened an umbrella. It was so weird, he would notice it right away and leave me alone. Those first few weeks, I looked like I was reenacting Noah's flood. But then I thought, am I really THIS mad at my brother, that I'd rather walk around under an umbrella than spend time with him? After that, I only used the umbrella when things got really out of control. I think it's in the attic now, just in case we ever get another brother or sister.

It's not always easy to love your siblings. But give them as much patience as you possibly can. They might grow up to be pretty cool.

Your friend and mine,
Average Boy

Hey Everyone,

Sorry I haven't been updating. As you know, every Easter my brother and I get up really early to try to find the chocolate bunny before my dad eats it. Well, this year, I set up a bunch of traps in the living room . . . and one of them worked a little too well. Mom took away my computer for almost a month as punishment. I got so bored, I started making up questions to answer. Maybe I'll post them later.

I apologized to my dad and he forgave me (after a few weeks). I hope your Easter was less awkward than mine. It's supposed to be about celebrating Jesus, not disabling water balloon cannons and cream pie catapults.

Anyway . . .

Question  I've read a whole lot of your stories, and I want to know: what is your first name, middle name and last name?

Please don’t say first name: Average, last name: Boy.

Enjoying your stories,

Answer  Hey Maura,

People call me a lot of different names. My friends call me Average Boy. Billy calls me AB for short. My brother calls me ‘Doofus,’ which he says is Italian for “older brother.” The construction worker who saw me accidentally ride through the wet cement called me a new name, but my dad says I shouldn’t use words like that. Speaking of, my parents call me Bob unless I’m in trouble. Then they call me Robert. (Hmmm . . . I just realized they haven’t called me Bob in a long time.)

Anyway, my real name is Robert Smiley. And my middle name is . . . oops, that’s all the time we have. I’ve got to move on to the next question now. :)

Your friend and mine,
Average Boy (or Robert, if you're mad at me now)

Question  What’s your favorite food? Mine is pizza from a place called Filipo’s.


Answer  Hey Caleb,

My favorite food is egg rolls—which, by the way, is a food and a fact. I proved that this morning when I accidentally rolled an egg off the kitchen table. I caught it with my foot but it still broke and now my foot smells like an omelet. But you didn’t ask about that, did you? Anyway, my favorite food is egg rolls. Although, for some reason I’m really craving pizza right now.

Your friend and mine,
Average Boy

Question  How do you make people laugh? I want to make my friends laugh too. It would be really fun being an average boy like you.


Answer  Hey Josiah,

I never thought about it before. I just say things and people laugh. Sometimes I don't even say anything and people still laugh at me. Maybe I should spend more time fixing my hair.

Anyway, now that I’m thinking about it, I guess I say things that make me laugh and just hope others find it funny as well. Try that and let me know how it goes.

Your friend and mine,
Average Boy

Question  What would you do with 1 million dollars?

Iron Man

Answer  Hey Iron Man,

Congratulations on your movie success! If I had a million dollars, I would be very responsible with it. First I would give 10 percent to the church. Then I would buy a few things. Then I would put the remaining $1,000 in the bank. Oh, and I’d probably legally change my name to Iron Man because that sounds awesome!

Your friend and mine,
Average Boy

P.S. If you ever need a super-average sidekick, I might know a guy who can help you . . . if he's not grounded that week.

Question  Dear Average Boy,

I am a biiiiig fan of your stories! Do you mind when other kids make up stories about you? I was wondering because I would like to!


Answer  Hey Kenslie,

It looks like you’re also a big fan of the letter I. Anyway, I love when people make up stories about me! In fact, my favorite issue of Clubhouse is the Members’ Magazine. That’s when readers write all the stories. I love reading their Average Boy articles . . . mostly because it gives me ideas for new adventures. So start wriiiiiting! Hey, looks like I’m a fan of the letter I as well!

Your friend and miiiiine,
Average Boy

[Editor’s Note: The next Members’ Mag comes out in August.]

Question  Dear Average Boy,

Everyone in my family says I am a really great artist. But today my brother drew an eagle for science. Mom thought it was mine because it looked good. (I don’t really think it looked like my drawings.)

I want to feel good for my brother that he did well, but I kind of feel like drawing is the one thing I’m good at, and everyone else is already good at so many things. (What’s even worse, he’s my younger brother!) What do you think I should do?


Answer  Hey Sydney,

Wow, I wish I went to your school—we never get to draw eagles in our science class. We just do science stuff.

Anyway, I think you should be happy for your brother. I know it’s hard to do, because drawing is your thing. However, just because your brother did well at drawing doesn’t mean that you are now not good at it. Also, maybe drawing could be something that you and your brother can do together! It might bring you closer as siblings.

Something like that happened to me once. I’m good at doing tricks on my bike. One day I was doing tricks for my parents, and my brother got on his bike and did a wheelie. Well, I’ve never been able to do a wheelie. At first I was mad, but then I thought about what God would want me to do. So I ran over and gave him a hug. Looking back, I probably should’ve waited till he finished the wheelie.

Later my dad said he was proud of me for being excited for my brother instead of being jealous. And that was a great feeling. So that’s my suggestion. Hope it helps.

Your friend and mine,
Average Boy

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Copyright © Bob Smiley. Illustration © Gary Locke.